It was 1 month ago today that I got the call that dad was in the ICU. It was 1 month ago today that I frantically packed a suitcase and my wonderful husband drove me to the airport. It was 1 month ago that my sister and I flew to Virginia, walked into an eerily empty hosptial on a national holiday, and walked into a full waiting room of friends and family. It was 1 month ago today that I talked to my brother on the phone and told him we were worried, we were looking forward to seeing him, but that we were feeling optimistic. It was 1 month ago that I talked to dad for the last time. I told him about the crazy things that Lillie had done in the 4 days since we left his house: driving home with a turtle on her head, and coloring the slate in our doorway with her crayons (which I promptly had her help clean). I told him that we loved him. I told him that Paul and Dan were both on their way. I told him goodnight, I'll see you tomorrow. He was unable to talk to us but I watched him stare at my mother and sister with so much love. I felt him squeeze my hand harder than he had in awhile.
Since then so much has happened, most of it is a blur. The sadness and grief was expected. The tears and panic over clothes not so much. Overwhelmed by paperwork and questions, finding important numbers and addresses, looking through a catalog of caskets, numerous travels between home and VA (in somber silence, theraputic singing, and having great heart to hearts). There has been denial, anger, guilt, and thankfulness for my energetic and happy little ray of sunshine. I've tried to be strong for myself and others and I've lost it over something as small as talking about the time I'm going to get in the car. I've thought about posting more but haven't been sure what to say, haven't been sure I could put my thoughts into words.
Honestly the idea of posting has been hard. I've opened up the screen and just couldn't type the words. I started this blog for family that can't be here to see Lillie grow up. It was my way of including them in as many big and small moments as possible. I know that I've shared it with many friends too but it was initially for family. I know that my dad used to read it religiously. I would make a post and hours later I'd get a call and he'd mention something new he had read. On a few rare occaisions he would send me a comment in an e-mail.
"Also, I really really enjoy reading the Life with Lillie blog. I never realized that you had such a wonderful way with words Katherine."
Such a short, simple compliment but I remember feeling so honored when I originally read it. It's been hard for me to realize that I hadn't done a good job updating before he passed away, knowing there were things I wanted to share with him but never got around to. It's hard for me to post things that I know he would enjoy now that he can't read them. I hope to get back to updating regularly again for the friends and family that enjoy having that connection.
No comments:
Post a Comment